Monday, 28 July 2014

Operation Besiege!

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Dear benefactor,

It is with utmost humility and regard for our mission, that I write to you, what is likely to be the final blueprint of the last leg of our mission. I don't know if we are as close as it seems but this may very well be our final chance, to tell the posterity that we are still in business, and that we are not as beleaguered as our prime enemy thinks. It is in the name of our solemn oath to our mission, that I share with you what may very well become the world's most iconic of tales. We have fought a long way to remain extant, but now we have found a new patron, at the behest of whose graceful disposal of duty, we shall come out triumphant and euphoric. Can't believe we are just days away from creating history.

We were at an impasse due to lack of required funding. Thankfully, our brethren at Skyscanner provided us with INR 1 lac with which we could carve our destiny, and have some fun as well! Away from what has been a deluge of sorts, with multiple online travel planning portals using trickery and a times subterfuge to fool you, I finally found one which is an aggregator of the best deals across the globe. I can't imagine how I could have planned my most fondest of journeys if it wasn't for Skyscanner. Away from the tribulation, I finally found the best and the easiest way to plan every single move. And would you believe it, the plan is finally ready.

12th August 2014: A man of high morale and principles with sheer determination and panache for execution shall board a flight from Mumbai to Heathrow. The security officials shall never realize that this piece of supposedly innocuous cloth, is going to be the biggest ingredient of what shall shook the world. The world would never know this man managed to get this flight at an astoundingly low INR 25,516. I mean can you believe that? And that too an Emirates flight with just one stoppage and of minimum duration. Time is of paramount importance in our mission and here we save one single day! Attached herein is a requiem to that elating moment when I saved, I don't know, how many bucks! I can splurge more on the meals now, you know. 

12th August 2014, Arrival: It was obvious I'd have trouble finding my way in an unknown urban setup, specially one as woefully complex as London. However, I was astonished to find out that a Peugeot car rental for 2 days was a mere INR 4500. Now that surely was bemusing. I mean won't even need a driver. I always wanted to drive a Peugeot with its quaint body and it's sullen pulchritude. After all, "UK gaye aur Peugeot nahin chalayi to khaak UK aaye". We'd need a way to get the driver to get inebriated and dissolute. I've watched all seasons of Breaking Bad, so I guess I'd just need to spend some time in a sophisticated chemical laboratory. I guess you'd be able to clean up Sherlock's setup at 221 Baker Street by then. We'd carry out this part sometime in the night! I also need to try that bacon which I've heard is absolutely sumptuous.

13th August 2014: It was time we setup a base camp, and that too one that was not pretty far away from the heart of London, the queen's palace. We'd also need a place where gourmets and guzzlers don't have to spend it all on the room service itself. A hotel that has the comfy and also that perfect menu. This one seemed perfect. This shall be our abode for the night of 13th and 14th. During the daytime, we'd just have to make sure the butlers are deprived of that extra key. No one should know what's being planned inside. And just for namesake, this one also has the palatial feeling and seems to be having the ancient rococo. Nice place to click selfies in. 

13th - 14th August, Reconnaissance: 2 days, we'd just have to be on the field. We'd have to circle our target time and again, just be sure of the paths we are going to follow. We'd have to see how the royal queen guards deploy themselves. We'd have to figure out their intertwining switching and formation. We'd need a note of everything. We don't have enough money to put a microscopic camera on a remote control balloon, so we'd have to go in ourselves. I'd dress up as a buffoon for kids just outside, because I look like one anyway. And you just take pictures of the checkpoints at the pretext of clicking pictures with random guards and gaping at the architecture of the palace, just like everyone does. By 14th night, we check out. We have to become intractable, untraceable. But before that, we need to try their delicious breads and chocolates and those ruptured omelettes that are served with luscious gravies, finest cheese and the softest of breads. Not to forget, we also need to spend a lot of time doing nothing but hoping the queen will come out on the balustrade, only to do nothing but to either encore them or besmirch them, just like everybody does.   

15th August 2014, showtime: If you do something jeopardizing, you better do it in style. All the planning, all the predictions, all boil down to one date. 15th of August 2014. What we shall go down doing, shall never be seen with irate and an account of ludicrous jingoism. It shall be seen as unbridled patriotism, and a little bit of fanaticism as well. Wile our compatriots back here shall be celebrating the exultant moments with the vibe of tricolor spread all over the place. We two shall do what has never been done before. Like smirking on the erstwhile British Commonwealth on its face. We'd roam around the Buckingham Palace in a ravishing Mercedes E class. Yes, no penuriousness in here. We spend as much as we can. We tie up an Indian flag from the radio antenna(Don't know what we can do if there is none), and we simply maunder around the place, riling authorities and making the queen bang her head on something, if she isn't awake already. We coincide this with the very moment the tricolor is hoisted at the majestic Lal Quilla in Delhi. And a moment later, even while we see the authorities running towards us, we play Holi with the tricolor and spread them all over the place. The authorities will imprecate and chide us as we would use permanent colors, once again, indigenous ones made at Sherlock's abandoned lab(Which I'm not sure still exists. Don't know what we'd do if it's just a contrived cult). Finally, we tantalize the queen's guards by sliding in our Merc and running away. We'd fuel up enough to run the vehicle throughout the day. After all, who wouldn't try driving a Merc on the stupendous London roads. What a moment it'll be. Don't forget to stuff the dockets with more cheese sandwiches so that we can munch something, something spectacular, while we're on the run.

16th August 2014: After staying evasive for one single day, we'd suddenly leave the Wanton demeanor so that we can't be impugned anymore. We'd simply leave the vehicle near the airport, and have a quick change of clothes, adulating British and all that. I guess you can always find something like that in their markets. Clothes having paeans and praise for the queen and related stuff. From thereon, it'll be cakewalk. We'd have already booked a flight back to Delhi. I'm sure you can fit into my suitcase and I must find some veil that hides you in the X-ray. We'd travel Air India this time, they provide the frills on board. Those delicious culinary delights shall be awaiting us. The ecclesiastical London experience is about to end, but now that I'd have you with me, the world would be a different place. You'd be wrapped up in the Indian tricolor, the same we waved and billowed near the queen's palace, without her knowing when I slipped in and took you away from her crown. Now, she can only frown. The only reminiscent of their rule on us is coming back to India, and it shall enshrine where it always belonged. As I'd return to Lal Quilla, I'd see the swathing Indian flag still there, and I'd unfold my own Indian flag to unravel the most coveted treasures of all times. The Kohinoor diamond shall be back in India. 

See you next year queenie, I'm coming for the Peacock Throne as well. Oh wait, is that James Bond running after me? 

This post is a part of Skyscanner travel wizard activity at

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