Saturday, 24 May 2014

10 things every Indian should know about irctc.

Irctc, courtesy of all their slovenliness and all their technological Ludditeness has seen a lot of denigration and even vilification. It has been the subject of much public ignominy where it assumed position at the centerstage of all sorts of analogies where it was used as a unit of patience or equated to one's return from warfare. Whatever it stands for, irctc has an identity of its own and its supremacy in its own realm is unmatched. Hence, we thought why not come up with a post to praise them instead of chiding them.

The Nazi connection 

Very few people know that one of the primeval uses of irctc's core algorithm was to break Nazi inmates to the extent of mental degeneracy. Irctc's initial version used to run on mechanical integrators and difference engines which were then provided to Nazi prisoners surreptitiously so as to give them the impression that some secret force is discreetly helping them plan their extradition. The poor paupers didn't know the Irctc setup was provided by Hitler's myrmidons themselves so that the prisoners could suffer mentally as well. 

 A module in art of living courses

Not many people know but a 3 month module on "How to book a Delhi-Mumbai Rajdhani ticket on Irctc without banging your head" is now inhered in every art of living course in the world. It is believed that one who can master this course and then take on the advanced course "How to book a tatkal Delhi-Mumbai Rajdhani ticket on Irctc without killing the neighbor" move towards surreal salvation and peace of mind and are ready to take any challenge head on. 

Changing lives forever 

"I never really knew whether I like non veg stuff or not until I booked some tickets on Irctc. I opted for non veg and yet the guy in the train asked what I'd like to have. I changed my mind, considering his question as an inuendo and ordered veg. I thanked god after I saw 10 of the guys ordering non veg complaining about the chicken they were served as being from outer space. I turned a vegan that day". Need we say more.

 Irctc as a antivirus/firewall 

Back in the days of Irctc's prime when it was startingly slow, Irctc's code was put up as a default site on various computers and servers. Hence the first address one accessed at the http port was that of Irctc, be it you or some hacker. While hackers saw the opening Irctc page a signal for them to leave hacking and move towards atonement, copies of malware became self aware and not only deleted the local version but even destroyed themselves globally across all instances. 

Getting convicts to talk 

Irctc has long been used as a really effective mechanism in third degree torture and other draconian measures to make convicts talk. When convicts are forced to book tickets on Irctc with the cumshaw of having to book lesser tickets on the more they tell, some of them even ended up confessing their crimes apart from helping the police track down their companions. Some of them even demanded for death penalties with immediate effect. Ironically, in a haste to hang those who demanded for the same, it was realized a few days later that they were not the real culprits and they preferred dying than the horrendous procedure which is more heinous than hell. 

Irctc: India's own swiss bank

This one's rather astonishing but we saw it coming. At every point of time the number of payments that are scuttled in irctc's system either as a failed transaction or in the "dead zone" which refers to that long wait during which your payment on tatkal tickets is kept on hold till all tatkal tickets are sold out through agents and you get a W/L one, exceeds the total capital of quite a many bank. In fact some people consider Irctc as a safe tax haven because tax officials consider it an atrocity to check Irctc's current account for sources of black money.

 Irctc: benchmark for BSNL/MTNL and IE

BSNL and IE are archetypal for slowness and it's their prerogative to make sure they match up to user's expectations on being the slowest in the world. Hence both of them resort to Irctc's unique services to check whether they could step up to its languor. Hence while there is no denying that nothing's slower than Irctc, slowness index is measured in terms of Irctc. For example a .2 irctc factor index is equivalent to spending 7 hours to see a simple homepage load up completely. 

Irctc and humor

In a striking contrast to its usual puritanical approach, Irctc tried to spice up things a bit by allowing some delirium to entertain the masses when they're waiting for the planner page to show up after logging in. To do this, they introduced irctc's shopping portal on the webpage and also offer flight booking services. "Just imagine their reaction and grins when they see external booking and shopping links on a website that has never allowed them to book anything from ourselves" said an irctc member when the services were introduced. Nice way of getting away from the platitude!

Truly platform independent 

In circles of advanced computer programming, Irctc is heralded as the first truly compatible platform independent code. Irctc's code runs so slow that it runs equally slow when run on a 1970 ARPANET server or run on a modern petaflop machine. Irctc's code is so designed that there remains no disparity not only between the different users, of which none could access the site, but also between the different servers that house the server code. Masterstroke!

Please shower your love for the spectacular, the incredible irctc by bestowing some comments in the desolate comments section. 1 comment = 100 blessings!

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